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'Alien vs. Predator 2' A 'True Piece of Crap'

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Alien vs Predator
I'm knocking on the MTV movie blog's headline from yesterday that read 'Alien Vs. Predator 2' A 'True-Blue Monster Movie'. My first thought was that's supposed to be a good thing? Neither Alien, Aliens, nor Predator were monster movies. Alien was solid science fiction mixed with suspense/horror. Aliens was a blending of science fiction, action, and a little bit of horror. Predator was mostly suspenseful action. So how is saying that AvP 2 will be a "True-Blue Monster Movie" serve as a compliment to a blending of two franchises that weren't monster movies in the first place?

Well, it doesn't. It shows just how badly this studio doesn't get its own films, and that's really quite sad. Aliens improved a lot on its predecessor and stood proudly beside it, without rehashing old material or trying to out-do it. Predator stood just fine all by itself and was the kind of film that didn't need nor would have been served by a sequel. Danny Glover did an ok job with the followup, but it fell to the sins of sequels: it replayed the first story in a new setting with new actors, but played all the same tricks that didn't look so new and fresh the second time around.

To drive my point home, check out this quote from Steven Pasquale who (stars?) in AvP 2.
"[We're] trying to get back to the basics [with] the suspense and the gore," actor Steven Pasquale told MTV News, revealing that 'AVP2' will be considerably scarier than its predecessor. "I think it's going to be really fun. [Directors] Colin and Greg Strause really know what they're doing in terms of a sort of true-blue monster movie."

And now for my second thought, what gore? There were a few nasty spots in Predator, but they were few and far between. There were none that I remember at all from Alien or Aliens, and to be quite honest, Alien 4 was more funny than it was gross or scary. Again I ask, did these people even watch the films that came before? Do they have any clue what they are talking about, and do they even care?
Pasquale will tackle the role of Dallas - not to be confused with Tom Skerritt's Dallas from the original "Alien" movie - a character caught in the middle of a battle between the two iconic extraterrestrial villains.

That's just cheap.
"[He's] our convict who returns home to his small town in Colorado to find aliens and predators," he said.

Aliens and Colorado? What the fuck?
"Haven't we always wondered what would happen if they made it to Earth? [..]

Yeah, we did, then Universal made AvP and we regretted wondering that in the first place. Now we're in for real punishment, Hostel style.
Unlike the first film, which saw criticism over the small amount of actual screentime between its spacey warring factions, Pasquale says that won't be an issue this time. "Aliens and predators will be fighting to the death," he stated, also hinting at something big in the offing.

Consider the grand lesson from AvP unlearned: movies are only compelling when they are about people. The first two Alien movies weren't scary because one alien was stalking another one, it was the solidly defined characters trying to survive a frightening and impossible situation in dark creepy places. It was about the characters. How many times have hackish film makers decided to get cute by trying to eliminate the only reason people go to see movies in the first place?

You know where the audience is for Alien on Alien action? Sitting at home, playing video games. And that's not a knock on that crowd by any means, it's simply reality. People who want to see stories about other people go and see movies. People who want to interact with non-humans all day play video games.

AvP makes a great video game. Motion pictures..not so much.

Note: Steven Pasquale co-stars in FX's Rescue Me, which as MTV says, comes back for season 4 tonight.

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The text of this article is Copyright © 2006,2007 Paul William Tenny. All rights reserved. This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 3.0 United States License. Attribution by: full name and original URL. Comments are copyrighted by their authors and are not subject to the Creative Commons license of the article itself.