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Paris Hilton Wants a Pardon

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Paris Hilton and Scooter Libby now have something in common with each other: they both want a pardon. Of course Scooter wants his from President Bush, while Paris wants hers from California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger. On her MySpace page, Hilton is pimping an online petition snottily demanding her release.

No idea how many people have signed this yet, but it doesn't matter. Nobody gives pardons for spoiled socialites who violate their probation after garnering a DUI. All Hilton had to do was not drive until her license was restored, but as is typical with young rich women, nobody can tell them what to do, they do whatever they want and that's the end of it.

Here's the bizarre missive in its entirety, with running commentary.

To: The Honorable Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger

Paris Whitney Hilton is an American celebrity and socialite. She is an heiress to a share of the Hilton Hotel fortune, as well as to the real estate fortune of her father Richard Hilton. She provides hope for young people all over the U.S. and the world. She provides beauty and excitement to (most of) our otherwise mundane lives.

Oh geez, got off to a bad start there didn't she? If Schwarzenegger doesn't know who Paris is, he's a moron, and I don't think you want to subtly insinuate that the Governor is a moron. Also, this is grandstanding. When you want a favor, you don't brag about how famous and rich you are.

The last sentence is a gem and a real insight into how Paris sees herself.

Hilton is notable for her leading roles on the FOX reality series The Simple Life and in the remake of the Vincent Price horror classic "House of Wax". In addition to her work as an actress, she has achieved some recognition as a model, celebrity spokesperson, singer, and writer.

In other words, she's pretty much not done anything that Survivor winner Richard Hatch has done, including serving jail time.

As most of America now knows, Ms. Hilton was just charged in a Los Angeles court with DUI and sentenced to 45 days in Century Regional Detention Facility in California beginning on or before June 5, 2007.

We, the American public who support Paris, are shocked, dismayed and appalled by how Paris has been the person to be used as an example that Drunk Driving is wrong. We do not support drunk driving or DUI charges. Paris should have been sober. But she shouldn't go to jail, either.

Not sure why anyone would capitalize "Drunk Driving" and it's pretty funny that she thinks America supports a spoiled rich girl who drove drunk and has never worked a hard day in her entire life. The real screwed up part here is the "We do not support drunk driving or DUI charges." What's that all about? We, the American people, do not support charging people who drive drunk with a crime?

That's new on me.

As depicted on Friday night's episode "Nancy Grace" on Headline News (May 4, 2007), countless celebrities have been "slapped on the wrist" for similar incidents recently. Nick Nolte, Mel Gibson, Tracy Morgan, Wynonna Judd, to name a few, were arrested and never did a day in jail after their initial arrests for drunk driving /DUI /DWI charges. Rappers Busta Rhymes and Eve still walk free after both being arrested for the same charges as Ms. Hilton just this past week. Brandy's California Highway accident, although no proof of DUI was evidenced in her accident, resulting in the death of a young wife and mother in California, yet Brandy walks free as of today, never doing any time and A WOMAN HAS BEEN KILLED most likely due to her reckless driving!

Yet, Paris Hilton did not hurt, injure, or kill anyone or anything, and yet she must do jail time.

One would note that Nancy Grace is a sensationalist talk show host, not exactly a shining beacon of legal integrity here. One would also note that Paris is not being sentenced to jail time for the DUI, but for violating her probation, the proverbial "slap on the wrist" she got just like those other actors did.

The all caps for emphasis and exclamation point in a pardon petition are hilarious, though.

This petition is to ask Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger to pardon Paris Hilton for her mistake. Please allow her to her return to her career and life. Everyone makes mistakes. She didn't hurt or kill anyone, and she has learned her lesson. She is sincere, apologetic, and full of regret for her actions as she explained tearfully to the Judge handling her case in court yesterday.She is distraught and understandably afraid.

Apparently she didn't learn her lesson after the DUI, only when she got caught violating the "slap on the wrist" she got by driving with a suspended license. And I personally believe that Hilton really is distraught and afraid, this probably represents the very first time Paris Hilton has ever been punished in her entire life.

I'm glad nobody was hurt on her drunken escapades and I wouldn't be looking forward to visiting jail either, but this rant makes clear she isn't genuinely sorry for what she did.

Most people would apologize for breaking the law and attempt to show remorse for putting other peoples lives in danger, instead, Hilton complains that she doesn't deserve to be put in jail -- because she's famous.

Rants like this tell the real story: "I'm sorry...that I got caught."

WE NEED YOUR SUPPORT to save our Paris from ending up at the Century Regional Detention Facility! Please sign to tell The Honorable Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger of the State of California, to think about the welfare of this young woman who has made a mortal error and deserves a second chance like so many others in our great nation have been served with after a mistake they have made .

You had your second chance, Paris, it was called probation. You don't get a third one. If you've trodden through this thing thus far, here is the payoff. I'm a screenwriter so believe me when I say this: you cannot make this shit up.

If the late Former President Gerald Ford could find it in his heart to pardon the late Former President Richard Nixon after his mistake(s), we undeniably support Paris Hilton being pardoned for her honest mistake as well, and we hope and expect The Governor will understand and grant this unusual but important request in good faith to Ms. Paris Whitney Hilton.

Who knew Paris Hilton had such a penchant for comedy?

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May 8, 2007, 10:34:00 PM


May 9, 2007, 10:29:00 AM
OMG. Does the twit never learn? She isn't going to jail for driving drunk..but for violating probation which thousands of people everywhere go to jail for EVERY DAY. I wonder how many enemies she has just made by accusing them and slandering their names in her defense? And since when does being an egotistical rich unruly bitch "brighten young peoples lives everywhere?" Does she not realize that most people MAKE FUN OF HER not idolize her? What a complete moron. I'm signing the other petition just on principle. Have I said before what a stupid twit she is? NO? PARIS IS STUPID TWIT.

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The text of this article is Copyright © 2006,2007 Paul William Tenny. All rights reserved. This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 3.0 United States License. Attribution by: full name and original URL. Comments are copyrighted by their authors and are not subject to the Creative Commons license of the article itself.