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Eva Longoria has E.R. Syndrome

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When E.R. started fourteen years ago, the only known talent they had were series creator and author Michael Crichton, executive producer John Wells, and prolific film star Anthony Edwards. Without Edwards, I don't think E.R. gets made. Without Edwards, we are never introduced to the series, their stories, and the cast. It wasn't long before the ratings soared, the cast grew full of itself, and they started running away to be movie stars. Only one would ever make it, but that hasn't stopped other people from trying it again.
Try as they might, every new face on E.R. at one time or another left the show to pursue movie careers. They showed no respect for the show or the medium that brought them, and for that they have already gained the movie stars ego and character flaws. The only actor that made it was George Clooney, and that was hardly a surprise to anyone, yet while Noah Whyle gave it a shot, he never dissed the show by leaving. He worked in between the lines, and is still there today, racking up over 248 episodes.

Julianna Margulies left last year and hasn't shown any appreciable talent in film at all. The only time I've heard her name in film was a good role in what turned out to be a big bomb, Snakes on a Plane. It's not hard to see who has been running from television while still mooching off it for a paycheck. Eriq La Salle has been in every season that Wyle has with the exception of this year, yet has appeared in 78 fewer episodes -- nearly 3 1/2 seasons worth over the years, and La Salle has been in what blockbuster, or award winning film?

Sherry Stringfield came into the fold in 94 and is credited with appearances into last year, yet has even fewer episodes than La Salle has, 141 episodes out of a possible 242, barely half. What good movies has she been in? I seem to recall her leaving the show after a season or two -- once the ratings skyrocket naturally and made her name known -- but she's in the dumpster with everybody else.

But this isn't an I-hate-E.R. fest, not at all. I loved E.R., but this is a past lesson that people refuse to learn. 98% of the E.R. cast left the show at one point or another to be movie stars, and all of them but one learned the hard way that the movie business doesn't work that way. And it shouldn't either. TV brought them, and they took a big shit all over it. TV is not the minor leagues, in fact these days it is readily acknowledged that if you want the best writing available, TV is where it's at now. Film may bring in the block busters, but it also has the shittiest writing available anywhere.

Lesson learned? I guess not. Eva Longoria has now sworn that she will never work in television again. Why? Because Desperate Housewives brought her. She is a known name now, lots of money. She's a freakin celebrity. Who needs the long hours and actual work of television? An actor from what I understand spends only three to four weeks being shot for a movie, then they move on. A film actor can do six films a year and still do less work than in television where they are being shot every day for half the year. You only need two hours of finished footage for a film, you need 22 hours for a TV series -- there is no comparison.

Lets get something straight here, Eva Longoria hasn't worked in television -- she has guest starred in a few things, occasionally. I count a total of about seven single appearances between 00-06, about one per year. She got lucky with Housewives and has only been on that show for two years. Not only has she not earned a show like Housewives, she hasn't even come close to earning her way off of television.

Eva honey, despite what your agent, your ego, and your boyfriend may be telling you, you are not the reason Housewives was a hit. You were a part, maybe a big one, maybe just a cog, but you are not the shit. Housewives was essentially shut out at the Emmys this year, which means you and your crew didn't do your job. You failed, you didn't get any awards. What the hell are you doing, thinking you can just walk away now, Eva? You think you're something?

E.R. has a billion awards and a heck of a lot more talent than Desperate Housewives has, and only one actor there made it as a movie star. You are not on his level, and you have proven nothing.

Longoria has already dipped into the silver screen with summer failure The Sentinel. Here is a film that she didn't even have to carry, it already had Kiefer Sutherland (a huge name even without 24) and Michael Douglass, a fairly stellar pair if I've ever see one. But even they couldn't pull it off, and it bombed. I can't even find out how much the movie cost to make, but it's not something you really need to know, just look at how much it made. Opening weekend, about $15m. Rest of its tenure in the theaters: about $20m. In order for that movie to have made a profit, it would have had to cost about $16-17m. Yeah, right. That probably didn't even cover what they paid Douglass, Sutherland, and Longoria combined. (Just so you know, the most money ever paid for a script was $5m so far, and most sell for under $1 million. And is it any wonder that most movies suck? You get what you pay for.)

What's up next? Foodfight! and How I Met My Boyfriend's Dead Fiancée. What a joke. Here are some tips, Eva:
  • Do not jump on every project thrown at you. Must of them suck, and chances are you couldn't spot a good script yet even if I showed you one of mine (hah!) Seriously, you have zero script approval on TV and the fact is you have some of the best drama writers doing all the hard work for you. All you have to do is smile and say the words. When you venture into film, you have to start making judgments about the quality of the script to decide if you want to do it or not, because you are NOT going to be fed quality on a silver plate like you are right now, especially with studios, producers, and directors jerking off all over scripts before you even get to see them.
  • Don't leave television before you've established that you have any actual talent. You haven't even come close. I wouldn't hire you on one of my films if you did it for free. (The film, not me - though this is open for negotiation.)
  • Don't you dare show so much disrespect to the medium of television. It made you, it can make ten more to replace your ass.
  • I don't care how pretty you are. In film, there are 15,000 girls that look just like you.
"I would never leave `Desperate Housewives,'" Longoria told The Associated Press. "I love doing both (TV and film), but I would never do another TV show after `Desperate Housewives.' No." -- it was nice seeing you Eva! It's sorry to hear that you are retiring from acting. Good luck tending your garden, and laying around the pool, and all the other things rich people that have no jobs do because they decided to stop acting. If you ever want to come back and act again, let us know, TV is waiting to help you continue learning how to act.

Naturally I think the problem is that these shows become huge hits because the writing is just that good. The stars are just a part, and not the big one. Writers run the shows and dictate what happens in television, unlike in film where everybody but the writer gets a final say in the script. These actors strike it good on a show with surpior writing and suddenly think they are the shit, but that's just not the case. The writers are the real stars of these shows, and when the actors run off to movie land where writers have no power and no creative say, they are running from the success and true creative freedom.

Someday, people will learn.
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