Newt Gingrich started taking his medication long enough to have a sit down interview with me recently. There are some very inflammatory things in this interview, and I used my recently acquired powers of psychology and telepathy to help Newt come to his inner-truth. I'd like to thank Mr. Gingrich for taking the time to set things straight. Q: Thanks for sitting down with me today Newt. I understand that you have some things to get off your chest, would you like to begin with Nancy Pelosi? If the Democrats take control of the House of Representatives this fall, she would become the Speaker, your former position.
Gingrich: The prospect of her bringing San Francisco values and a whole attitude on foreign policy that is, I think, an attitude of weakness and appeasement and surrender, I think, would be a disaster for the country.
Q: Now Newt, that's not what you really meant to say, is it? That's awfully confrontational. There's little if any substance there at all, it's mostly rhetoric and fear mongering. Don't hold back on me, I can help you. Dig deep down inside and let the truth come out.
Gingrich: The prospect of a woman being third in the line of succession terrifies me, because women in general threaten me.
Q: It's nice that you can be honest about your feelings Newt, keeping going, this is the path to healing and dealing with your problems. Healing and dealing Newt, healing and dealing.
Gingrich: Democrats have shown time and time again that they absolutely dominate us when it comes to foreign policy. All they care about is peace and multi-national cooperation. Compared to our policy of kill everyone we don't like, this could do some very serious damage to our reputation, and even act to restore our nations place as the leader of the free world, rather than becoming the new Rome.
Q: Good, you've reached the stage where you can admit that you have no clue whatsoever how to deal with other adults in the world in a calm and rational way that results in progress in foreign relations. You know that war is the first choice of a coward, and rarely necessary with so many tools at our disposal. What else?
Gingrich: It terrifies me to think that Democrats may actually improve the situation in Iraq, and remind Americans why they wouldn't let our party control the House for nearly 40 years.
Q: This is some real progress Newt, you're well on your way to returning to reality where your family and the rest of us are waiting for you. What are your thoughts on the Middle East today?
Gingrich: If you think, as I do, that we're in the early stages of an emerging third world war, the world is truly dangerous on a scale that I think, in a worst case, could lead to losing several American cities to nuclear weapons in our lifetime.
Q: Oh no, we were doing so well! Remember Newt, the path to healing is dealing with reality. You have to admit what you know is the truth before we can help you. Let's try again, shall we? Remember, tell the truth. It will set you free.
Gingrich: Right right, what I actually meant to say was that Republicans are really sorry for trying to start a third world war. I'm personally very sorry for helping bring Republicans to power in 1994. I'm sorry that my Contract with America failed in every way imaginable. Did you know that my plan, Contract with America, proposed a constitutional balanced budget amendment? It would have made it illegal to run a budget deficit. But then I helped usher in a new age of Republican rule in the House, and a few years later the Senate, under which my party single handily turned the only budget surplus ever to exist into the largest deficit ever. Did you know that at one point, it was so big, that in a single year, the deficit we Republicans made was larger than all previous deficits before Clinton came to office combined? Man, we really screwed the pooch on that one!
Q: Wow. Doesn't it feel good to tell the truth Newt? But why do you keep reverting to lies, deception, and outright bullshit? Why Newt, why?
Gingrich: Start with the North Korean drive to get nuclear weapons and ICBMs (intercontinental ballistic missiles), then go to the Iranian drive to get nuclear weapons, then go to the fact that Pakistan has probably between 50 and 100 nuclear weapons with an unstable dictatorship. Look at al-Qaida's willingness to kill as many Americans as they can find and Iran's recruitment of suicide bombers.
Q: Come on now, I know if we work together, we can reintroduce truth to this equation. We can set things straight, you just have to help me -- help you.
Gingrich: I was misquoted again, honest. What I actually said, and this FOX News reporter completely changed to spin a conservative bias -- I don't know where he went, he was here a minute ago. Maybe he's in the closet? Anyway, I'm sorry that my Republican-dominated Congress did absolutely nothing to insure that North Korea didn't get nuclear weapons. The programs that President Bill Clinton started failed, but we didn't even pay any attention. We wanted to occupy the Middle East so we could have more oil, and we completely neglected our intelligence capabilities on the ground. Who would have thought that spies in foreign governments would be useful when we can just illegally spy on our own citizens phone calls? Geez. Anyway, about Iran...yeah, not such a big deal actually. I hate to admit this, since it's the darn truth (damn how that truth gets in the way!) every nuclear expert I've ever spoken to says that it will take Iran at least 10-12 years to refine uranium to the point where it can be used in a bomb. How about that? They won't have enough refined material for over a decade. I mean damn, that's a long time, you know? Hillary could be elected President, and serve two terms and be gone before Iran could even blow up an outhouse. We missed that one too, but it was SO much more entertaining listening in on Americans phone calls in blatant violation of the Fourth Amendment. And man is that coming in handy in finding out who is leaking stories to the press!! Wait a minute, did I just say that out loud?
Q: What about Pakistan, Newt?
Gingrich: The guys I just said had 50-100 nuclear weapons, and an unstable dictatorship? Oops. I guess that's our fault too, isn't it? I mean we did absolutely nothing to stop them getting nukes, either. Come to think of it, Republicans have a 100% failure rate at stopping other nations from developing nuclear technology. North Korea, Iran, Pakistan, India, damn who else wants some bombs? We've got more than everyone else combined, we could be selling these things!!!
Q: Focus Newt, focus.
Gingrich: Right. I didn't mean it when I said Pakistan is an unstable dictatorship. I don't think the UN means it when they say Pakistan is a brutal cave-man society where women are routinely stoned to death for having sex without permission, and cheating on their spouses. That was a good joke, eh? I mean we can't tell the truth about that shit hole of a country, because they are a huge ally of ours in the war on freedom. Wait, that's not right, is it?
Q: No Newt, try again.
Gingrich: Was it the War on Drugs?
Q: Nah, that's not it either Newt, though one wonders what has happened to that with the meth epidemic spreading like a wildfire through the country.
Gingrich: What the hell is meth? Ah never mind, if it has nothing to do with terrorism, it can't be all that important.
Q: Do you have anything else to say to wrap this up Newt?
Gingrich: If you have active, overt enemies who are religiously different and who believe that killing you would be a good thing in their religious terms and they're willing to die in order to kill you..
Q: Stop right there, or do I have to get your meds? I know you don't like to get stabbed in the butt Newt. Remember, healing and dealing Newt.
Gingrich: Telling the truth is so hard after lying all my life. Okay, I'll try again. What I meant was that they really aren't all that different than we are. We lie when we say that it is their religion that drives them, but the truth is, these guys have been simmering for a lot longer than the last few years. Our support of Israel has infuriated Muslims for decades, and our troop presence in Saudi Arabia drives them insane. It doesn't matter that we were invited to be there, that we were helping to keep that country safe, it's like taking a big shit in a church even if you're putting out a fire with your turds of freedom. It's just something you do not do, and it is just an unacceptable situation for them.
What we need to do is work with the Palestinians instead of against them. We need to talk to Muslim religious leaders instead of mocking them. They are human beings, and they can compromise, and so can we. There are plenty of crazies out there, but few of them in a position of power actually want war. Ahmadinejad is their President, but he is not Iran's leader. We know this. Ali Khamenei runs the show, and Ahmadinejad can't take a crap if Ali Khamenei doesn't want him to.
Khamenei doesn't want war. He knows that road is lose/lose for everyone, but instead, we take the bait. We Republicans insist on mocking and sparring with Ahmadinejad when he is nothing but a figurehead in that country. But that really is one of our parties core problems, foreign policy just ain't our thing. Come to think of it, nothing ever is.
Q: Thanks Newt.
This interview is a ficticious paraody. Some of the really stupid things Gingrich said are things he actually said over here. The rest are things he ought to be saying.
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